I Refuse To Be Happy!

By Lori LaValley

Somewhere deep within my Being—past the conscious wishes and desire for God’s peace and joy—is this: “No, no, no, no, NO! I don’t want to be happy—I REFUSE to be happy!” This thought may accurately be described as “A Block to the Awareness of Love’s Presence,” or, as I like to call it, a BALP.

To me my BALPs are incredibly subtle; to others, completely obvious. They are most especially obvious to Jesus, my other higher energy teachers, to my friends, and even to dogs, who often try their best to remind me to be happy. God IS trying to show me something.

All of these “outer” beloveds in my life are trying to help me by noticing my routines, patterns, and behaviors, and commenting on them (darn it!) “Why don’t you do____?” “Why don’t you STOP doing ____?” “Don’t you want to rest?” “You’re so hard on yourself!” “Let’s save that work for later and go play ball now!” (You can tell who THAT comment is from!)

Many of these companions are firmly on the path of A Course in Miracles (ACIM), A Course of Love (ACOL), and How To Become a Christ (HTBAC), and they are absolutely right in their comments. (Again, darn it!) Or, better, “Thank you, God for sending these brothers to poke big holes in my ego-thought system and help me release these dysfunctional patterns by pointing them out to me—over and over and over.”

I wouldn’t need them pointed out so often if I just listened to God’s hints and looked at why I don’t want to be happy.

What’s really going on inside that makes me refuse to be happy and change my patterns? And to do so quickly? Yes, sometimes change is just a slow process. I don’t usually change overnight, although sometimes, in desperation, I do. It’s about uncovering deeper layers, one onion layer at a time. I’ve worked through that first onion long ago and am now on onion #462! And sometimes it’s about the fact that you can only change as fast as you can integrate and assimilate new information and energy.

All of the above is true, but here’s the REAL reason I refuse to be happy and am unwilling to change my unhappy patterns quickly:

I’m just scared, plain and simple.

Fear kicks in and blocks God’s peace and joy from wafting through or racing through, gently flowing in or thundering in, burbling and gurgling up from deep within the God Self of my being and radiating out from every part of “me.” Actually, there can be no boundary around God’s Love that’s only called “me,” but that’s another sharing.

So here’s God trying to shine throughout my entire being and here’s what this exquisite, beauty-full, awe-inspiring LOVE finds: Blockages. Shutting the good energy down. Nothing getting through here today. I have free choice and I choose to say “No.” BALP!

Absolutely crazy, right? Well, yes and no. I really do want God’s Love and all the amazing energy and experiences God offers. So I am going to have to deconstruct those blocks, because I am the one that constructed them in the first place. If I created them, I must have had a reason then that wasn’t crazy—just the best choice I could make at the time. Now, I can go back with a deeper understanding and re-solve the problems, using forgiveness, compassion and a willingness to feel the feelings. I can release all of the fear-based ego thoughts and emotions from the past that hold these BALPs in place.

It’s the “Heroine’s Journey” all over again: “Be willing to look honestly and squarely at every one of those thought/feeling/belief blocks that come up—no squirming, denying, playing dumb, distracting myself with TV or food or relationships or anything. Honestly look at each and every one of them, work through the issues, and change the patterns. Feel the emotions, question the thoughts, forgive everything, release it all.”

So with the Sword of Truth in one hand, the Shield of Faith in the other, on my trusty steed Courage, with ACIM and ACOL and HTBAC books in the saddlebags, and Jesus by my side, I’m ready to gallop into the valleys and vanquish the dark ego foundation stones there. I can’t lose, right?

Clash! Resentments.

Clang! Griefs.

Swing! Fears.

Attack! Beliefs.

Parry! Past memories.

Poke! Stereotypes.

Stab! Judgments.

Blood! Oh, wait, that’s MY blood!

In pain, weary, I can’t go on anymore. Too much work, too much suffering! Too much trying to fix everything in me! Too many years of doing this releasing, healing work! My heart is worn out. I just can’t take it anymore.

And, then, Jesus is there in the valley with me.

“Are you happy?”

“No.”

“You could be . . .”

“But I thought I had to be down here looking at and working through all of my BALPs! For years now I’ve been doing whatever it took to let go of them.”

“Do you want the peace of God?”

“Yes! But I am SO tired of working on these issues, so tired of fighting all this.”

“Then let the internal fight go. Let ‘working on blocks’ go. Give the blocks to me.”

I am strong, but not strong enough to keep doing this work anymore. It’s just too much. Crying, I say, “Yes, please take them . . .” And I just let go. I give UP, literally just hand the thoughts, the fear, the pain UP to him, SO relieved.

“Watch this,” he says, and with a knowing twinkle in his eye, receives the blocks from me, holds them in his hands . . . there’s a fading out . . . and then they just dis-appear. Not even a shadow left. Just gone, simple, quick, easy, in two seconds! What I’ve been working on for months and years is gone!

Jesus smiles at me, “Now, Beloved One, THIS is the big key. What would make you happy right now?”

“Um, well . . . I guess, to eat dinner and read a book.”

“Then, do that. If you want to feel peace and happiness, you need to spend much more time IN peace and happiness. Joy begets joy, love extends into more love, peace enfolds and encompasses all in a peaceful state. Spend your days and moments and, eventually, all your life there. And, if you feel a disturbance to your peace of mind, or to your peaceful heart coming up, then let it go—give it UP to me and I will dis-appear it for you, like the illusions they are. This is my gift of Love to you. It’s much easier to release the blocks than you think. I can help you in ANY way you need.” And, bowing slightly to me, he gives me a knowing smile, seeing that I’ve gotten the lesson, and then he dis-appears, too.

For my new awareness of his ability to instantly release everything I am willing to give to him, and for his loving help to do absolutely anything to make this journey easier for me, I feel enormous relief and gratitude. My “refusing to be happy” beliefs still need to be released but it will be SO much easier now. And I can spend more time in Peace, Love and Joy.  I think I’ll go outside to play ball with the dog now. Thank you, God!

Lori LaValley, aka “The Wandering Bookseller,” is a devoted facilitator of A Course In Miracles, A Course of Love, and How To Become A Christ.  She offers workshops, in-person and online groups to share her experiences in how to open up to deeper levels and truly experience the Christ Self within each of us. She travels throughout the Western US and is available at howtobecomeachrist@gmail.com.